


Durk Nite

by GreatGawain



Series: The Adventures of Pink Floyd [7]
Category: Pink Floyd
Genre: Crack Fic, Gen, Not Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:55:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24582655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreatGawain/pseuds/GreatGawain
Summary: Crack fic. The boys bake a cake. Trust me, that's all you need to know
Series: The Adventures of Pink Floyd [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1772323
Comments: 4
Kudos: 9





	Durk Nite

It was a dark and stormy night. The sun shone brightly and the birds chirped their sweet songs into the air. Anyway.  
All the Floyd guys were together _in the same room_ for some reason. Roger was wearing his pornographically small black t-shirt and watching TV. David was being fat and eating ice cream. Nick was screwing some car part. Like, with a screwdriver. Screwing it in. …Pervs. And Rick was knitting a sweater.

Roger suddenly sat up, almost throwing the shirt off his back in the process, and smiled broadly. Somewhere, a mirror broke.  
"Hay you GAIZE!" he exclaimed. No one moved.  
"Let's bake a CAKEY WAKEY!"  
"Why are you talking like that?" David asked, his stomach just barely poking out from his t-shirt that was so tight it was hardly holding together at the seams. Even when he blinked you could hear the threads tighten.  
Roger started cussing and screaming and flailing around at David, then suddenly stopped and smiled again.  
"Ok. Now let's make that cake!"

After Nick broke up with his car part and Rick tearfully stopped moving his fingers and David was, with the help of all three other men, pulled out of his chair, they set to work on the cake. Roger immediately appointed himself head chef and started vomiting orders.  
"Nick, you get a bowl out and mix all the shit. David, you get all the ingredients out. And Rick…?"  
Rick looked up at Roger with big, sweet eyes, and his gracefully thin lips spread into a smile. He looked, at the man that kind of looked like a pony, with a hopeful expression in his eyes. Roger just stared back with a completely blank look on his face.  
"I have no idea what you can do. Go turn on the stove or something."  
Rick's face crashed to the floor and he silently wept tears of morbid sorrow as he busied himself with the stove.

Meanwhile, things with the other guys weren't going along so well. Nick was perplexed as to which size bowl to use, and having grown tired of waiting for him David had started eating the sugar he had found for the cake.  
"Nick you fucktard just PICK ONE!" Roger growled.  
"But… but… there's so MANY…" Nick said in awe of all the pots and pans. His wide eyes could hardly take in the amazing number of silver objects.  
Roger grabbed one and slammed it on Nick's head.  
"HERE, you shit. Damn it David, why are you so FAT?!"  
Roger grabbed the sugar out of his hands and handed it to Nick to blend, until he just decided to do it himself. Roger had to grab the sugar, flour, and every dry ingredient from David's greedy hands every time he wanted to use them, because the fatty was eating each of them. Yes, even the flour. David tried to eat the flour.

"ALRIGHT."

Roger held the mixing bowl in his hands like a proud father he never knew. Nick made a drum roll, using all the other bowls he had pulled out of the cabinet and thrown all over the kitchen floor, as the man carried it over to the stove, where Rick was drying his eyes with his sweater handkerchief, which was basically a handkerchief made out of a square piece cut out of a sweater. Roger slammed the door closed and turned the oven to its highest setting of 6,000C, beaming so proudly the Cheshire cat would have died of horror at the teeth.  
"Uh… won't it burn?" Nick asked. Roger whirled around and glared angrily at him.  
"NO. It'll take less time to bake, you see, if it's hotter!"  
"But-"  
"NO FUCK YOU!"  
They tried to think of something fun to do while they waited, but they eventually just went back to their previous activities. When the timer went off on the stove 23 seconds later, all four men jumped up (with the exception of David, who just sort of… rolled around) and started singing and dancing like a musical. Then the moment that was random beyond all randomness passed and they walked calmly into the next room.

"Well, who wants to do the honors? Rick?"  
Rick's face acquired the most joyful look of pure, sheer happiness one could ever see in a human being. His eyes glowed and the biggest smile grew on his mouth. He was ecstatic.  
"Just kidding I wanna do it myself. Stand back, everybody."  
Rick stood with the others in a silent despair, his entire body practically fading into the surrounding air. Roger pulled on his black oven mitts and threw open the oven door much more elaborately than he ever needed to. Everyone except Rick peered inside anxiously.

When the smoke cleared, the most magnificent and perfect cake sat in the oven, radiating all its glory into the heated air around it. A halo formed around the pastry and tiny angels came down singing and floated into the oven to surround the cake but they just ended up burning to death by the hot air and Nick quietly scooped up their bodies and dumped them into the trash. Everyone gaped openly at the cake's perfection.

"It's… so beautiful…" Nick gasped, smiling crookedly. David wiped a tear from his eye.  
Roger pulled his baby out of the stove and set it on the counter to cool. He then built a wall around it and snarled viciously like a dog at anyone who went near it for a good two hours. So that was fun.

FINALLY, the cake was done. It looked even more amazing now that it had cooled. The four men stood around the cake, just staring at it. They were too awestruck to do anything else, really.  
"Well, I guess we'll eat it now?" Nick said.  
"NO!" yelled Roger.  
"Yes!" exclaimed David. David then opened his mouth and swallowed the whole thing. He didn't even use his hands. He just leaned over and ate the entire perfect cake whole. One swallow and it was completely gone. Rick immediately burst into tears and fell on the floor, sobbing hysterically. Roger looked at him with a blank expression. "Who is that?" he asked.  
ANYWAY.~~~  
Roger and Nick looked at their guitarist in disbelief.  
David cleared his throat and licked his lips. "Welp, I'm gonna finish the ice cream," he said, and he sauntered back into the other room while his band members that weren't crying stood paralyzed in shock.

**Author's Note:**

> I wish I could tell you where this idea originally came from  
> But by now I have absolutely no idea lmao  
> I think this is my record, to date, for fewest lines spoken by Richard in a single story (absolutely NONE poor boy)
> 
> Originally written and posted October 2011, no edits except for removing a descriptive word about Nick's drum roll that isn't ok anymore


End file.
